Cobra's Snake Oil

Today, I managed to stop myself getting burnt a second time.  Whilst searching for different jobs, I have been putting my CV around a bit, including online job sites such as Monster, Fish4Jobs etc which are reputable enough.  I got a call from someone last week saying that they had seen my CV online and were very interested in meeting me for an interview.

Some Direct Marketeers from Cobra's website;
don't they look so young and thrusting?

This is what everyone who's seeking to improve their career wants to hear; being headhunted is in a way quite flattering.  The fact that at first the person sounded like they were calling from PC World made me feel quite comfortable that they were probably quite a good company to work for, and I was told that they needed someone for their Marketing division - all to the good.  However, when I got the confirmation email, I found out that the person had been calling from TC World - a Direct Marketing company.  And then a lot of doubt began to set in...

The thing is, about 4 years ago I worked for a Direct Marketing company, called the Marketing Machine, also based in Nottingham, and owned by the Cobra Group.  The Cobra Group (also called Appco in some places now) is not particularly well known, but it is massive on a global scale.  Their business model is not dissimilar to pyramid schemes.  They franchise out Direct Marketing (ie chugging and door-to-door sales) to small companies, who then employ people on a self-employed contract to earn them money.  Wherever you are reading this there will be one near you, probably even if you are reading this on the Moon.  When you see adverts for sales or marketing jobs that are vague on salaries but say you can earn "£250-500 per week average", it's probably a Cobra Group thing.  And it's not much fun.

I worked for the Marketing Machine for about 10 days, and it was the worst job I've ever had (making picking lobsters out of Jayne Mansfield's bum sounding like a dream).  I was asked to come in for an interview the very next morning after applying, and was told to dress smartly because I would be meeting the managing director.  If I had been less naive this would have set alarm bells ringing, as managing directors do not often run interviews.  The interview was quick and was effectively a sales pitch from the manager on how great Direct Marketing was as a way to make lots of money very quickly.  At that time in my life it was exactly what I needed to hear as I was stony broke - I suspect this is true for most people who answer these kind of adverts as well.  I have to say all this bluster took me in.  The actual details about working on a self-employed contract were mentioned briefly but not explained.  I was told that it meant in practice that all Marketing Machine were doing were giving me the means to make however much money I wanted to.  I was told that I could start immediately. 

The boredom and lack of self-worth that comes with any period of unemployment means that any job offer seems like an amazing opportunity.  I suppose any cynicism I had about the role was drowned out by the surge of relief that came with knowing that I would have a job and a reason not to watch daytime TV.  And then the job started. 

There were a team of about 10 of us in total, and we would be split into groups of 3 or 4 and sent to different supermarket stores to persuade people to switch their landline contracts to a supposedly better deal.  If the person agreed, they would have to fill in a form there and then, and this would be taken back to the office by me and filed into the system.  I would get some money for each form processed and I suppose Marketing Machine would have done as well.  We were expected to stand in the supermarket (a very well known and well respected one) for at least 8 hours a day but normally closer to 10, approaching everyone who walked past.  The target was 4 signatures a day, but I never got that many and if you didn't you would probably make a loss.  I was paid on a commission-only basis, so if I didn't get any signatures at all, I didn't get any money at all.  As I had to pay for all transport myself, I quite often made a loss; something I had not been told was that although the company was based in Nottingham, the supermarkets I would be going to were not necessarily even in the same city.  I had to go to Derby and Sheffield and pay for the trains myself.  Very often this meant getting back to the office at 7 or 8 in the evening and spending even more time processing the forms.  We were expected to do this 6 days a week.  Although self-employed, we relied on the company to give us the materials to make money, so had no independence whatsoever.  At the end of the 6 days we would be paid cash in hand whatever we had earned.  I can't remember exactly what I got, but I do remember it was considerably less than £200, which worked out as being much less than minimum wage considering all the hours and travel I had put in.

Something the company did which was actually a very good psychological tactic was to encourage out of work socialising.  This at first sounds like quite a positive thing, but I believe the reason for getting everyone to go to the pub before going home every day was to stop us being able to talk to other people about what we were doing.  It certainly felt like it was an attempt to make sure our work seeped into and eventually took over our social life, and meant that we did not see anyone else outside of work.  I mean honestly, what normal company gets its employees to go out every night after work?  By only socialising with people doing the same work it made it seem normal and therefore acceptable.  It also meant I rarely got home until 10 at the earliest, but normally much later.  The disturbing thing was that it was very effective.  Everyone followed each other to the pub like sheep, even though I suspect at least half didn't want to go and the other half were the kind of marketing yobs you see on The Apprentice - ie, awful company.  Although I was there for only a week and a half, they got a hold on me very quickly and I don't consider myself to be unusually susceptible.

I stopped when I did because I was physically and mentally exhausted and thought there was something immoral about the whole thing - I saw people haranguing people well into their late 70s if not older, and someone having no qualms about getting a signature from somebody who obviously had learning difficulties. 

It should be stressed that there was nothing illegal about any of this.  Everything was well above board ans squeaky clean.  In the eyes of the law, there is nothing wrong with any of this.  But it didn't feel like it was right at all.  When I left, I felt like everything was nice and normal again, and I went to see my friends for the first time in almost 2 weeks.

I know I am not the only one to have had this experience.  There was a very good Panorama programme on the subject last year and the Mirror ran an expose on it a few years ago, but these places are still there representing the ugly side of capitalism, unashamedly going about their business sucking up and spitting out the unemployed and the desperate.  This is something that badly needs to be regulated and sorted out by the government but it wasn't touched by the last one and frankly if the supposedly socialist New Labour government didn't want to investigate it I don't see Cameron as being the man for the job.

I don't want to sound bitter about my experience because I'm not, it's not like it ruined my life or anything!  But the moral of this story is, when applying for a job that offers you a weekly wage that seems to good to be true it may well be worth calling ahead and asking if they take people on a self  employed contract - and if they say yes, run a mile!

Insane In The Membrane! Asylum of the Daleks Review

The B-Movie style poster for last night's Doctor Who

So, Doctor Who returned last night by doing what it does best - not exactly what anyone expected it to. 

The gist.  The Doctor, Amy and Rory are kidnapped by human-shaped Dalek 'puppets' and sent to go and destroy a kind of Dalek Borstal - the Daleks themselves are too scared to go down there.  This must be a pretty harsh place then, we think.  We had been told (or at least it had been bandied around on Twitter) that we would see all the old Daleks over the years in action which turned out not to be sort of but not really true - quite rightly.  Although it would have given me and a lot of other fanboys a short-term thrill to see the Specials Weapon Dalek in action again, it would probably have happened at the expense of the plot and characters and other things that keep non-obsessive normal people watching.  When Davros was brought back a few years ago it didn't really work because there was no reason for him to be there other than for people to go "Ooh, look, Davros!" before going back to trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

Instead, Steven Moffat's script did the exact opposite - it relaunched the Daleks, and did it by not so much rewriting the Daleks' history as just treating it as something less important than the Daleks' present.  It introduced new things like a Parliament of Daleks, complete with a blobby Prime Minister and the idea of the eponymous Asylum - a place for all the imperfections to go hang out.  It also ended the idea of the Daleks seeing The Doctor as an arch-enemy by having them forget who he is, which is such a brilliantly simple way of rebooting some established villains it reminds you there's life in the old format yet.  It also did all this efficiently and without too much fuss so it could get down to the really interesting task of dealing with The Doctor's current companions divorcing and his new companion being a Dalek (and now an exploded Dalek at that).

After the body/psycho-horror of seeing someone being converted into a Dalek again (as in Revelation of the Daleks), the Cybermen in Doctor Who are redundant again.  The idea of someone willingly being trapped in their own mind to avoid accepting the fact they're now a Dalek was done in a genuinely dramatic and shocking way.  It also upset some continuity nuts online (we'll get to them in a bit).  In fact, the whole episode had its feet firmly planted in the Horror genre instead of the Action/Sci-Fi tales one normally expects from a Dalek story.  Rory tip-toeing through a crypt with cobwebby, dormant, lunatic Daleks was much more exciting than CGI-fleets of them going 'Bang!'  And the worry that Amy might be going to turning into a Dalek felt like a genuine worry, even though everyone knows that the chances are pretty good for The Doctor and friends surviving.  There were a few things that in retrospect didn't exactly add up (like, for instance, The Doctor not realising that the Woman From Emmerdale was going to be a Dalek even though he's been chatting to her all episode), but on the whole it felt true to its own agenda.

The aforementioned continuity-nuts online weren't keen on a few aspects of the story, one of the most frequently voiced criticisms online being that the Daleks don't turn humans into Daleks.  Which is the kind of Doctor Who criticism that is great if you fancy a laugh.  When will people realise that it's so much easier to accept the fact that Doctor Who frequently contradicts its own past (and sometimes its own present) and celebrate that?  Because it's that willingness to disregard its own past that is the reason it's lasted for 50-odd years.  It's nothing new for fans to dislike rewriting supposedly established concepts and one wearily reaches for the infamous 70s review of 'A Deadly Assassin' to see why these fans end up looking a bit po-faced and silly.  In fact, a lot of the 'classic' Doctor Who stories make no sense compared to what went before them (Spearhead From Space, Genesis Of The Daleks and so on).  This is why I like the show; it's willing to keep the most important things about the show and chuck out the past if it gets in the way of a good story in the present.  There are very few 'rules' in Doctor Who story telling.  Terrence Dicks said that the rule of thumb of what was important about the past of the show was just what you could remember, and Paul Cornell said that it is the job of the fan, not the writers, to worry about continuity, if they're that way inclined.

Why can't the Daleks turn people into Daleks?  Aside from the fact it's something which has been done before anyway, they are fictional, you know?  They didn't used to be able to fly or have a creator called Davros, and they might one day be able to grow legs and go for a run, or sing Abba songs, or give birth to little baby Daleks or whatever.  It's part of the fun.  I like being a fan of a show that instead of surreptitiously changing its lead actor James Bond-style and hoping no-one notices makes it into a massive plot-device (and one that isn't really explained for over 5 years), and carries on with the more important task of making ambitious and interesting stories for anyone who fancies watching.  Because its always succeeded as a show primarily concerned with stories, not as a show aimed at a fanbase.  So when I read people writing thjings like 'Daleks turning people into Daleks makes no sense' I think 'Yeah, I was forgetting that a man travelling in a box that's bigger on the inside is exactly the premise that requires a gritty attention to detail in order to work' and move on (or write a blog about it depending on how pompous I'm feeling).  There's been more expert analysis on fans and continuity on Phillip Sandifer's TARDIS Eruditorium blog comment sections if that's the kind of thing that floats yer boat.

So that little rant over with, what next?  We've been told that this series isn't going to worry too much about complex story arcs and is going to do more individual stories which I think is a good thing, not because I'm against them per se but because I think Doctor Who is at its best when changing direction and we've had quite a lot of story arcs over the last few years.  Amy and Rory are going, which will make me sad; Woman From Emmerdale who turned out to be a Dalek and was blown up is going to be a new companion in Christmas, which should be interesting; and there are some dinosaurs on a spaceship next week which will be fun, though might contradict a Jon Pertwee story from the 1970s or something.  It's good to see a show approach its 50th year and  being relevant event telly again.